Saturday, 25 September 2010


3 months, one week and one day Samuel rolls. Right on target. As per usual with children the minute I decide to film it he stops.

Saturday, 18 September 2010


Sam's three month birthday is celebrated by him learning how to blow raspberries and an enormous growth spurt.

Friday, 17 September 2010

Tuesday, 14 September 2010


As hearing is said to be the last sense to leave the dying so smell is the last to linger long after they are gone. I keep a piece of clothing that belonged to my father; it faintly smells of him. A warm, comforting smell and while I still can breathe him in, I can fool myself in to thinking he is here. On nights like these, when my baby boy is sleeping peacefully beside me, I wish most of all that my Father had waited to meet him. He would have loved his Grandson, his calm, sweet, smiling Grandson. Already I can see they share much of the same temperament. I try and think of ways I can bring Dad in to Sam’s life with photographs, his poetry and my memories but I know, deep down, I will always feel that Samuel has been robbed of the joy of knowing his Grandfather and this will always be a source of great sadness to me. Sometimes, in my most fanciful of moments, I like to believe that in those four days between death and birth, that perhaps some of Dad's shining spirit passed by and chose to settle in Sam.

Monday, 6 September 2010

The Second Child

It feels much easier second time round, more instinctive, less fraught. I am not a frightened bunny in the headlights any more. You know what to expect, be it good, be it bad and knowledge is power. I am floating through days, trying to focus on the every day details. Things that I lost with Lily in a whirlpool of colic and anxiety.I am making sure I appreciate Sam as a baby, not wishing it away to be replaced by the next stage. My father passing has made me acutely aware of my own mortality and life is taking on a richer, deeper hue. I am determined that I will not sink in to my grief and while I will always carry sadness with me I actually feel more content than I have done for many years. My family somehow feels complete and I am learning to relax and enjoy them, for I know time is rushing onwards and every moment is blessed.

Sam Grabs

First Day at Steiner

Saturday, 4 September 2010