The Conspiracy

Basically if you went to the Doctors with all the possible side-effects of pregnancy he would probably say go home, lie down in a darkened room and prepare to die.

I had no idea all this really disgusting shit was going to happen to me, at several points I wouldn't have been surprised if a couple of my limbs had started to lepromatous. It seemed every few weeks more and more unspeakable horrors were unfolding, losing control of bodily functions, bleeding orifices, uterine cramps, particularly nasty and bizarrely colourful discharges, extreme flatulence...
However, what startled me the most is that NO F*CKER BOTHERED TO TELL ME ABOUT IT! Rather like the time I started my period and thought I had cancer because my mother apparently decided menstruation was not important enough to mention.
Well, I am not subscribing to the conspiracy of silence anymore and for all you young ladies who might be considering popping the birth control pills back in the packet tonight, read on...

exhaustion
altered appetite and senses of taste and smell
nausea and vomiting
heartburn and indigestion
constipation
weight gain
dizziness and light-headedness
bloating, swelling, fluid retention
hemorrhoids
abdominal cramps
yeast infections
congested, bloody nose
acne and mild skin disorders
skin discoloration (chloasma, face and abdomen)
mild to severe backache and strain
increased headaches
difficulty sleeping, and discomfort while sleeping
increased urination and incontinence
bleeding gums
pica
breast pain and discharge
swelling of joints, leg cramps, joint pain
difficulty sitting, standing in later pregnancy
inability to take regular medications
shortness of breath
higher blood pressure
hair loss
tendency to anemia
stretch marks (worse in younger women)
loose skin
permanent weight gain or redistribution
abdominal and vaginal muscle weakness
pelvic floor disorder
changes to breasts
varicose veins
scarring from episiotomy or c-section
loss of dental and bone calcium
psychosis